My sister’s essay? Could you edit it to make it “sparkle” [is the word she used?

Angela Q
#1. July 2nd, 2009, at 2:46 PM.

I write for a living.

One suggestion is she should read it though and take out all the unnecessary instances of the word “the”. She uses it too much. ∠°)

Trinity
#2. July 3rd, 2009, at 9:48 AM.

Tobacco use among US teens is unacceptably extensive. The NHIS National Center for Health Statistics reported in 2003 that in the US 43.3% of the population are smokers, 19.2% women and 24.1% men. Why are the numbers so high? The pressure and lack of education experienced by young teens are significant factors. When teens are pressured to use drugs they usually do not consider about how it will influence their future; they are more concerned about the opinions of their peers. If I were pressured to use tobacco, I would think about how is it going to affect my body, my life, and those who love and care about me? How would I feel about those effects? If everyone considered these questions before succumbing to peer pressure, we would have this crisis off our shoulders.
If we were to stop selling tobacco products, we would have less cancer, emphysema, and other health issues. Although we would be taking away money from tobacco companies and from the doctors who treat those suffering from tobacco-related illnesses, we would decrease the risk of losing lives. If we make all tobacco products against the law, then we have another drug that must be regulated by law enforcement, like crack/cocaine, marijuana, inhalants, ecstasy, methamphetamine (meth), LSD, and heroin. We would have more drug dealers and criminals, even though fewer lives would be at risk. Is that a compromise we are willing to accept?
The American Lung Association reports that almost 6,000 teens began smoking under the age of 18; 2,000 of those become regular smokers. (NOTE: you need to state the year of these stats) If we were to make tobacco products illegal these high numbers would greatly decrease. Wouldn’t that be nice?
How do we get our teens out of the atmosphere of tobacco use? One, they should have a good environment at home: a place where there is time with family and parents that are in touch with their children’s lives. Two, they should have a safe environment at school. If the teachers know what the children are going through with friends, they could take preventative measures against tobacco use. Third, when teens are just out with their friends, they should feel okay saying “no” to their friends when tempted to use tobacco products.
The health of the new generation is at risk, too. With secondhand smoke, children are being exposed to potentially deadly substances everywhere in their daily life. We have to stop this. How? We build treatment facilities to assist those who need help quitting. We need to stop this addiction to nicotine. People are dying because they made wrong choice when they were young. Teenagers need to understand the dangers and consequences as well as what options they have when faced with peer or societal pressure.
What if everyone had a goal in life, never to use or be around anyone who is using tobacco products? Our country would have one more thing off its list of troubles. I have a goal in life. It is NEVER to use or touch tobacco products. I will not even be around people who use tobacco, that way I will never have to worry about secondhand smoke, or being tempted to use tobacco. This country needs a change and this is one step I can take in the right direction.