I’m in a VERY difficult situation right now and I really need some advice?

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#1. September 24th, 2009, at 9:34 AM.

Help him as much as you can,do whatever it takes to help him. Maybe getting him into a sport or an after school activity would be good for him.

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#2. September 26th, 2009, at 12:20 AM.

First, before I forget: You are a good person for taking him in. Even though he might be hard, he is probably used to being given up and needs a support system along with someone who wont give him away no matter what, good for you.

Counseling takes awhile for some kids, he might go for 6 months before he actually says anything. Just keep it up. Also, maybe think of a mentoring program like Big Brother, he might be more open to a teenager. Just be consistent with rules and what you expect, reward the good behavior and punish the bad. he has been thru more in his life it sounds like then most people go thru in a lifetime.

I wish you all the luck

EDIT: I think VPot had a good idea about the chores and money.

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#3. September 27th, 2009, at 8:18 PM.

The kid needs serious therapy. Change the councilors. IF this one isn’t working out. Find a child specialist. Take some parenting classes.

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#4. September 28th, 2009, at 9:42 AM.

You do have your hands full.Sounds like he does need alot of counseling.I also thought about the Big Brother program.Find him an older male mentor or Big Brother,someone he could relate to and maybe has some life experience.The boy at 9 has gone through alot of traumatic things he needs someone to talk to that can help him someone to look up to and set a good example.

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#5. September 30th, 2009, at 6:10 PM.

Wow!

First – kudos to you for being to Drake what others have not been able to be!

I’m willing to bet (and I’m no psychologist) that his abandonment issues may be why he’s stock piling money.

I think go for the counseling – if he’s mute he’s mute, but I’d give it a while and see if he will eventually open up. I think you and the school psychologist are exactly right that he’s been through a lot and needs to be counseled.

Good luck!!

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#6. October 3rd, 2009, at 10:48 PM.

You’re doing the right thing by intervening and getting him help.

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#7. October 5th, 2009, at 7:05 AM.

You keep him in counseling, and tell him that he’ll continue to go until he feels like talking.

Then tell him that you know that he’s been through a lot, and that you’re not even going to pretend to know what he’s going through. But as it stands, he’s got two people to take care of him, and that the two of you love him very much. Tell him that it hurts, that he’s not ready to be part of that, but that you’ll be there when he is. In the mean time, all you’re asking for is honesty.

Ask him what he wanted the money for, and then arrange for him to be able to get it, but by working for it, doing chores, etc… like other boys his age would be doing. Make a list of things he can help out with, and then give him a quarter every time he chooses to help.

As for the violence, take him to your local police station, and get a police officer to explain to him the importance of not resorting to violence, ever. And about all the consequences. Make sure he knows that that is not the road you want for him because you love him. That’s probably not something that he’s heard very often. So tell him, every day, that you love him, and never pressure him to say it back. In fact, tell him it’s okay if he doesn’t feel the same way.

Good luck. You are an amazing person.

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#8. October 7th, 2009, at 5:56 PM.

Wow, sounds like a tough situation and I’m sorry you have been thrown into it. I would say keep up with the psychologist even though he isn’t talking it might be getting to him. I dont know if you are in the room when he is seeing his psychologist, but you may want to leave it for just the 2 of them so he can feel he can open up more. Also, I dont know where you stand on this but you may want to try and find a good Church that has a good youth program in it. Ive seen time and time again troubled children get turned around in a church program. they have summer camps and activities and may even have a program specifically for troubled youth. I would jump on the internet and see what you can find in your area. Kids like this just take time, patients, and lots of love. I know how hard it can be but sometimes we can do more to impact these kids just by showing love. I know this is a hard situation but hang in there, you are impacting him weather you think you are or not.
Does the school he goes to have a prepay lunch program? Where you pay for the month and then all he has to do is go and give his name and he gets hot lunch? Just a thought.
God Bless hun! and Good luck.

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#9. October 10th, 2009, at 8:17 PM.

Two thoughts: First, take a step back so you don’t get mad about the lying etc. Drake’s doing. You probably know the money hoarding and stealing is about being afraid he’ll have to make it on his own … so in his 9 year old way, he’s trying to prepare. If you can see it as his symptoms rather than reacting to his lying and stealing, it will be much easier to address. Find a counselor for YOU and your husband who can teach you about positive reinforcement done right.

Obviously you and your husband have gone out of your way to help this child. Just as obviously, in his heart-of-hearts, Drake is not convinced that you two are committed to raising him no matter what. His own father left him, and his own mother didn’t want him, so how could you?

Secondly, counseling for you and your husband separately from counseling for Drake (with or without you) is probably necessary for you to keep your sense of balance …which is critical for you to be able to stay in it ‘for the long haul’. If you are officially his foster mom or legal guardian then I hope you can have this counseling covered by an outside source. Especially if he’s starting to act out violently, he needs this help. The foster care system providing it to you and him will be much cheaper than losing him to “the system”, both financially and emotionally.

The adult style ‘talk’ counseling might be asking more of him than he can do. Can you find a counselor who uses play therapy or other means to allow a child to express what’s going on? Ask for parental references; you need more than just a person who’ll sit in a room with him for an hour once a week.

Forgive me for suggesting this, but do you watched Nanny 911? They do show excellent parenting skills for out of control kids. Yes, its a T.V. show, but they do have superb skills that you need and can learn and adapt to your situation.

Drake is lucky to have you and your husband behind him. As you go along, be as sure as you can that your husband is on board too. The last thing you need is to feel pulled between the two of them!

Good luck to you and your husband and Drake. Hang in there! Be aware that Drake has most likely seen and experienced things that you’d find horrifying. That does not excuse his behavior, but you can probably be a better parent if you’re not furious with him. I don’t know, but I suspect his original home didn’t provide the love and patience every child needs. Get the help you need, and drag your husband with you if you have to.